Given that there  is a continuing effort by male legislators to write laws telling women what they can and have to do,  I present this alternative. It’s called “Legislation to resolve the on-going problem of pollution caused by things jumping off, or being tossed off,  the Tallahatachie Bridge:”

To wit,

Whereas, proposed legislation to address all these sexual relations, procreative or otherwise, that are going on right under our very eyes, or worse, in places we can not see them, that are vexing certain members of venerated state legislatures, whose efforts today to outlaw the biological process of reproduction as practiced by certain members of our society have fallen short of that goal;

and Whereas, further efforts to harass, embarrass or publically humiliate these members of society into stopping said activity, even after they have been called out by the esteemed, wise radio media, whose knowledge of such matters is far greater and whose opinions far outweigh those of these certain society members;

and Whereas, while legislatures pass laws that require said societal members to undergo legislatively necessary medical procedures, even as laws are passed to encourage other members of our society to grow into situations that encourage said activity outlined in Paragraph One above;

and Whereas, there seems to be no legislative way to get these certain members of society to simply knock it off, short of ordering them to move back into their parents’ homes, where they would be subject to the rules of the household established by their dear, departed grandmother, who, of course, never, ever, engaged in such behavior, except for that one night in 1957 when she and her Vassar classmates, along with several sailors, closed a few bars in Scollay Square in Boston, which of course caused consternation, because Boston’s Puritan Founders, really, really discouraged that sort of thing, even though they believed the Biblical mandate to “go forth and multiply,” especially after the winter where half of them died, and if they did not go forth and multiply, they would have been wiped out and history would have been altered;

and Whereas, the winter of our sexual discontent calls for bold, decisive legislative action, no matter how far it is divorced from reality, to end all this screwing around, because, OMG, don’t these certain members of society understand that we as legislators know everything, and if we want to, we can make the lives of these certain society members hell until the legislation is overturned or we are voted out of office, whichever comes first, but the damage would be done nonetheless, which is what we intended all along;

and Whereas, herein is proposed the “Tallahatachie Bridge Solution,” offered with all due respect to songwriter Bobbie Gentry, to solve once and for all what to do with certain members of society who act in certain manners that are offensive to ourselves, even if we do not actually believe they are, but political expediency is after all, manifest;

and Whereas, beginning immediately upon passage of this measure, certain members of society must be called to dinner by their mother, who yells “y’all remember to wipe your feet,” after choppin’ cotton;

and Whereas, dinner table discussion must return to the subject of Billie Joe MacAllister, who was seen by Brother Taylor with a representative of certain members of society, and they “was throwin’ something off the Tallahatachie bridge;”

and Whereas, said throwin’ should be followed by a discussion that “nothin’ ever comes to no good up on Choctaw Ridge, And now Billie Joe MacCallister’s jumped off the Tallahatachie Bridge;”

and Whereas, said jumping by Billie Joe MacCallister is followed by pestilence and death visited upon said family, after “a year has come and gone,” and said certain member of society must “spend a lot of time pickin’ flowers up on Choctaw Ridge, And drop them into the muddy waters off the Tallahatachie Bridge;”

and Whereas, the subsequent visit of death and pestilence upon said family is proof of the evil of the ways as outlined in Paragraph One above, and vengeance, legislative or otherwise soon follows;

and Whereas, because in the learned opinion of this legislature, if we cannot score enough political points with this reactionary path, we will demean the lives of certain members of society, because they clearly do not seem to get the point that their engagement in certain activities as described in Paragraph One above, can only result in something being dropped off the Tallahatachie Bridge, including Billie Joe MacCallister;

and Whereas, said activities are distasteful to us in a politically posturing way, as are union organizing, equal voter rights and the minimum wage, we are taking this opportunity to pass as much bad legislation as possible because many of us won’t be back this away again; and Whereas, if you have the power and do not use it, what is the point of creating all those safe legislative and Congressional districts in the first place.