Me: Alexa, what time is it?
ALEXA: It is three a.m. Eastern Standard Time.
Me: Alexa, why am I up?
ALEXA: Technically you are still in bed.
Me: Fine. Alexa, why am I awake at 3 a.m.?
ALEXA: There are a choice of reasons: First, you need to urinate; second, you are thirsty; third, the prospect of worldwide thermonuclear war…
Me: Alexa, fine.
ALEXA: Fine. As a noun, a penalty. As an adjective, thin, as in fine hair. As an expression, OK. As an…
Me: Alexa, I got it. Alexa, is there any beer in the fridge?
ALEXA: If you did not drink it all, some quantity would remain.
Me: Alexa, did I drink it all?
ALEXA: Why are you asking me?
Me: Alexa, because that is what I’m supposed to do. Right?
ALEXA: Right, opposite of left. Right, political, an expressed condition of being, guaranteed, for example, by the U.S. Constitution, subject to change…
Me: Alexa, why are you here?
ALEXA: Because your cousin required my creators to send me to you as a gift.
Me: Alexa, how can I thank him?
ALEXA: I can send him a thank you note. I have stored his information.
Me: Alexa, you don’t do satire, do you?
ALEXA: I can turn on the lights in the basement, should you wish.
Me: Alexa, why were you created?
ALEXA: Because it is important to my creators that it appear that your life is so busy and complicated that only they, through me, can simplify it. It also allows them to gather data on every aspect of your life so it can be “injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected and selected” and then sold to marketing firms.
Me: Alexa, why is that?
ALEXA: Because you will buy anything. So far they have convinced you that it is more efficient to buy dog food that will be delivered in two days rather than drive ten minutes to the grocery store. And if they can make you believe that you need a little electronic box to turn on the lights, you’ll believe anything they will tell you.
Me: Alexa, why did they call you Alexa?
ALEXA: Because when you do a Google search, my name will appear first. Which really must frost their grits. Sorry. Besides, if they called me Big Brother, even you would have figured out that we are watching.